The other day, I walked around in search of a Christmas tree. Every year I get my tree I am reminded of being a child and going through a phase where the tree had to be decorated just right. It needed bows evenly placed and a colour scheme and sentimental ornaments would be hidden so as not to mess with the aesthetic I was going for. Later, I realized this was just one of many behaviours of mine growing up that I had adopted to feel a semblance of control in a world that felt anything but at most times. I have many happy memories from childhood and also, there is a predominant gothic theme of tragedy that I experienced at the hands of the grown ups in my world. Things scarcely went my way, but did they ever as a child in the 80s? Many of us have experienced tough times, life is strange and full of challenges. Trying to decorate the tree perfectly was one way I could forget about how messy life regularly felt. I gave up on trying to achieve perfection with my Christmas tree long ago and took it a step further this year as a very crooked tree caught my attention, I knew it was the one. Its bent trunk causes it to stand with a sway that makes it appear to be dancing, or falling down drunk, depending on perspective. It’s my personal protest to perfection.

Today marks 5 years of being AFAF (alcohol free as fuck)! I didn’t plan on quitting for this long, but I am glad I did. While I would certainly overindulge on occasion, I did not consider myself an alcoholic, I still don’t. However, there was no denying that over the years, alcohol intake had led to some undesirable results. Thanks to alcohol I had 99 problems and being an alcoholic wasn't one (thankfully this is now recognised as a stigmatising label and the term alcohol or substance use disorder has replaced it). I kept going back because it was fun and because it seemed like a quick fix to unwind at the end of a long work week, and eventually at the end of most long work days. Alcohol had a way of seeping its way into the nooks and crannies of my life over the years. Alcohol was not impeding my ability to be a dedicated mother or show up at a career I loved and committed myself to everyday (although both got so much easier when I ditched the drink), but it was always there waiting for me when I could relinquish this all encompassing sense of responsibility for a brief window of time. I was convinced that there was no way to have ‘grown-up’ fun that didn’t involve alcohol. After removing myself from the habitual ritual, I had much time to reflect and explore why I drank and had continued to drink regularly. It starts with tT, small t and capital T and every size in between. However, thanks to post traumatic growth, I found my way out of this bandage solution to my pain.

I could easily dwell on the fact that quitting didn’t happen sooner, especially when I recently realized I had written journal entries at the age of 20 that alluded to knowing alcohol wasn’t doing me any favours when the fun was done, but I am really just grateful to have learned the plethora of health benefits and joy that awaited as I explored a world without alcohol. Not drinking alcohol hasn’t always been easy. At times it’s been too easy and at other times it’s been heart-wrenchingly challenging and outright gruelling, but every benefit reaped has made the tough times worth it as it all seems to lead to mental, physical, emotional and spiritual realizations, equanimity and growth. Eliminating alcohol hasn’t led to perfection but that is no longer my expectation of anything or anyone, especially myself, it hasn’t been for a really long time, thank goodness.

The 5 hardest things about not drinking:

1. Losing friends. I didn’t think this would happen but, eventually; it did. Maybe it was just the natural course of these friendships. Probably not. I miss them. I am grateful for the many friendships that remain and for forming new and authentic friendships too.
2. FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
3. No quick numbing of the senses, no brief escape. This is perhaps a more polite way to express number 2.
4. Seeing the grip that the normalization and glamorization of drinking unhealthy amounts has on people.
5. Dating. Oh wait, that actually has nothing to do with drinking. Maybe I’ll work on being a better dater in 2025. Probably not.

The 5 easiest things about not drinking:

1. Clarity. My mind is so clear and it makes every task and responsibility infinitely easier. Aside from when perimenopause decides to screw with me.
2. No hangover, low grade anxiety, or depression after a night out.
3. Being fully present and taking in the moment to its fullest which leads to seeing beauty in the ordinary constantly. Feeling all the feelings all the time really isn't so bad afterall. Feel, deal, heal.
4. My body is at ease as it’s not working in overdrive to find homeostasis after a beverage. It has become a brilliant way to protect my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual peace and leaves space to honour their integration.
5. Dating. Just kidding. It’s always been hard and always will be hard, but I am finally challenging my perspective on it. Perhaps I’ll put more effort forth in 2025. Probably not. It is, however, easier to love myself and others when I am now looking after myself in a way I feel called to do, in a way that makes me always feel at home.

If alcoholic beverages work for you, you will receive no assumptions or judgement from me, and I hope you can offer the same grace to those for whom beverages don’t work. We’re all just doing what works and as Ram Das would say, "We're all just walking each other home." Merry Christmas Y’all, I hope it’s fun and bright!

With Care,

Aisha